Han Solo (12inchblaster) wrote in thisisarea42,
Han Solo


1. Doc McNinja made up a whole bunch of shavit about why I have fourteen cavities. The kriffing jerkwad said I needed to floss. He had the nerve to give me some free samples of gross... minty... string. I don't need to floss because I am trying ON PURPOSE to get my cavities big enough to smuggle stuff in because that's what I do. Does Doc want me to smash open some Imp's skull and floss with their capillaries? Yeah? Is that what you people want? Would that make you happy? Well it ain't gonna happen, because THERE ARE NO IMPS OR VONG HERE FOR ME TO KILL, AND THAT'S WHY I GET BORED AND EAT STUFF WITH "TOO MUCH" SUGAR.

Dental care is all a scam anyway. Let me tell you what I realized one time when I was drunk: The dentists get money for their fancy-schmany toothbrushes and ~*~*toothpaste*~*~ (What the kriff do they think SOAP is for?) from the government and end up giving half the credits to the gumdrop corporation, and that's how they stay in business. They're all in cahoots. I know I'm right because I told Leia this theory when she was still Chief of State, and she looked at me really weirdly and changed the subject to rug patterns or throw pillows or something lame, because obviously I was on to something big. And let me tell you, the New Republic spent all that hush money on lollipops for themselves. That's why the candy dish in Mothma's office was always stacked so kriffing high. I should drink more. I'd figure out more about the nature of our damn universe in a day than Luke does in a decade.

My point is, I DON'T HAVE TO FLOSS IF I DON'T WANT TO because it takes up too much time when I could be doing better things, and because I don't wanna.

2. Here's another thing: I'm an honorary member of the Jedi Order, so I try not to trash talk the Force as much as I did back in the day. But if the Force is as flawless as SOME PEOPLE here imply (and okay, trust me: I know there's a million different views. I pulled Jacen and Anakin off each other enough times to understand that it's a touchy subject), then why does it let my teeth get cavities? The Force is everywhere, which means it's inside my mouth, right? So.... what's up?

3. Politics.

4. My Name Is Earl got canceled.

5. Anakin Skywalker.

6. Some guard was making ga-ga eyes at my ship.

7. Anakin Skywalker.


9. You know what? It's not enough that my sister-in-law is dead, is it? The idiots on Earth just have to go and draw kriffed-up stuff like this, don't they? And I got kinda mad because I thought she was throwing my ship at first, but then I though, "Nah, I don't want to be mad at Mara Jade's ghost. She'll haunt me good. And not in a pleasant, 'Oh, Han, the Force is here and wants you to know that you're its favorite person' way."
Tags: anakin skywalker (redeemed), anakin solo, han solo, lee adama, padme
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